The Good Old Days

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up my date at her parents' home.

I'd worked overtime and scraped together enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu.

Shrimp Cocktail, Lobster, Champagne , Dessert .

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a b**w job tonight."

So I asked her,  "More Pie?"

Military Time

 A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,  "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,  "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said,  "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the  last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,  "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch,  "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

The Importance of Sun Block

This is a must read for all males who love the lake & the sunshine...
The older you get, the more important it is to protect your nose from the sun . . .

... use a minimum 38 block!

The Last Stand - A Poem

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the bloody thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

Thank Goodness for the Hat...

The Pifalls of a Christian Upbringing

As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing we were late for church, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days.  Some people turned to stare....others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling my old pastor, Rev. Mabry, who always admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a plea for compassion.

A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out and touch this person!" 
 
The  compulsion  was  so  strong, so  I  did ...

 
Please  scroll  down. 
Thanks.

Can't afford a pair of jeans...

Regards,

Beware the Good Samaritan

P/S:  I won't be at church this week.

The New Airport Xray Security Scanner

The future of Cell phone xray scanner technology...

 

Click on Photo and see what happens...

Crotchless Panties

Image via WikipediaA frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... Enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.

He never heard the gunshot.

 

Related articles

• How to Look Sexy Without Looking Slutty (urbanbellemag.com)

Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

Image via Wikipedia

17th Island Green TPC Sawgrass Florida

You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.

If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.

The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.

If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet, when you become famous.

Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.

It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.

When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.

If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.

Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.

When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.

You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.

There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.

If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.

Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.

Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.

You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.

Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?" 

 

Related articles

• New Golf Putter Changes Golf As We Know It (prweb.com)

A Collection of Funny One Liners about Sex

Barbara Bush talks about oral sex...

Billy Crystal on the difference between men and women when it comes to sex...

George Burns on Sex at 90...

Jack Nicholson discusses his mother...

Robert De Niro explains why women like undressing in front of men...

Robin Williams on Anatomy...

Robin Williams on the Latin meaning of divorce...

Rod Stewart on how to avoid marriage...

Rodney Dangerfield on getting a date...

Roseanne Barr on premenstrual affliction...

Sharon Stone on faking orgasms...

Steve Jobs says his girlfriend laughs during sex...

Steve Martin and "The Look"...

Tom Clancy likes what money can buy...

Woody Allen explains why sex is like bridge...

The End

Jokes of the Day

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex... Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher said, 'No shit?'

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'


One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'


A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'


Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'


Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

Bodybuilders Beware

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 

"What a Great chest you have!"

He tells her,

'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."
 
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,

"What massive calves you have!"

The body builder tells her,

"That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.


The blonde replies,

"I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

Senior Wisdom for Tiger Woods

As we all know, Tiger returned to golf after a 5 month hiatus.


We seniors have put together some words of advice he may want to follow...


When you see a woman....
 
And want her badly.
 
Please consider the following....

No matter how beautiful she is.....

No matter how sexy she is....

No matter how seductive she is...

No matter how huge her  breasts  are...


Damn...

I forgot where I was going with this...

The First Condom

Historical 'Fact'...

In 1872 the Scots invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

However, in 1873, the English refined the idea somewhat by taking the bladder out of the sheep first!

SEX AT 73!

I  just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,  informing me that I can have sex at 73!     I'm sooooo happy, because I live at unit 67..... so it's not far to walk home afterwards!