A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction. 'Hello,' said the little boy

'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,'
Answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church.
Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Catholic church back down the road,' replied the little girl.

'What about you? '

'I go to the Lutheran church back at the top of the hill,'

Replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way

So they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,'

Replied the little boy.

'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull

Off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy.

'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.  They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:

'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a CATHOLIC and a LUTHERAN!!!

A Good Golf Story

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.
The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

The Pifalls of a Christian Upbringing

As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing we were late for church, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days.  Some people turned to stare....others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling my old pastor, Rev. Mabry, who always admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a plea for compassion.

A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out and touch this person!" 
 
The  compulsion  was  so  strong, so  I  did ...

 
Please  scroll  down. 
Thanks.

Can't afford a pair of jeans...

Regards,

Beware the Good Samaritan

P/S:  I won't be at church this week.

A Boy and a Priest

PRICELESS!
 
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
 
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
 
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
 
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
 
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

THE GOLFING NUN.......

Image via WikipediaA nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'Tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yards Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever saw. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother..

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?'

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Getting A Hairdryer Through Customs...

Image via Wikipedia

Woman with Hairdryer

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her,

'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

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Jokes of the Day

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex... Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher said, 'No shit?'

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'


One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'


A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'


Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'


Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!