Classic Golf One Liners

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk... Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five... John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf... Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is... Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that... Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death... Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness... William Wordsworth

8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt... Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up... Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one... Bishop Sheen

11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced... Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons... Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top... Pete Dye

14. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them!... Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf... Billy Graham

16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball... Jack Lemmon

17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling... Mark Twain

18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty... Harry Vardon

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them... Jimmy DeMaret

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures and not in still waters... Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle... All Us Hackers

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie... George Deukmejian

Finally...

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe... Lee Trevino

10 Reasons I'd Rather Be Golfing

Friends always ask me why I like golf so much. I put this post together to visually illustrate why I like golf or rather why I prefer it to other sports...

Hockey Player Breaks Ankle... ouch!

 Hockey... not a pleasant site. (Photo courtesy of Buzman.org)

Bull gores bull fighter in crotch...

 This speaks for itself... anyone care for Bull Fighting?  (Photo courtesy of Strange Cosmos.com)

This football player is gonna have a sore head...

 Football? No thanks, they die young but not before blowing their knees out. (Photo courtesy of Strange Cosmos.com)

Formula One car disintegrates in mid air... what fun!

Car racing? It would be fun... once. On a track by myself. (Photo courtesy of Strange Cosmos.com)

Rider has arm run over by motorcycle. Eeeeewwww

How many people die on motor bikes every year? (Photo courtesy of Unknown)

Oh Oh, the landing is gonna hurt.

Mountain bikers can be insane... this was not well thought out. (Photo courtesy of Strange Cosmos.com)

Whoa Horse! I said Whoa!

I've been thrown from a horse. Once was enough. (Photo courtesy of Strange Cosmos.com)

This soccer player is using the wrong end.

Admittedly soccer is pretty lame. This guy is gonna hurt - better than all the sissy girls rolling about grabbing their shins.  (Photo courtesy of Strange Cosmos.com)

I don't think the arm is meant to go that way!

Weight Lifting? Um... no thanks. I don't look good in spandex. (Photo courtesy of Strange Cosmos.com)

Golf carts are a golfers best friend.

Um... I have lost count. Was that ten? (Photo courtesy of Unknown)

A Good Golf Story

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.
The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

Golf Made Easy Video

Get yourself a pen and write down what this golf pro has to say about playing golf.



It can't get any simpler...

 

How did he do that....

The Parrot Died ....

Image via Wikipedia

Your Average Country House

At dawn the telephone rings . . .
 
"Hello, Senor Rod?"   This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
 
"Ah yes, Ernesto.  What can I do for you?  Is there a problem?"
 
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot - he is dead."
 
"My parrot?  Dead?  The one that won the International competition?"
 
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
 
"Damn!  That's a pity!  I spent a small fortune on that bird.  What did he die from?"
 
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat?  Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
 
"Nobody, Senor.  He ate the meat of the dead horse."
 
"Dead horse?  What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod." 
 
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
 
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane?  What water cart?"
 
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
 
"Good Lord!!  What fire are you talking about, man??"
 
"The one that destroyed your house, Senor!  A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
 
"What the hell??  Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"
 
"Yes, Senor Rod."
 
"But there's electricity at the house!!   What was the candle for?" 
 
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
 
"Your wife's, Senor Rod.  She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club."    

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE......... 
        
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!"
 

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THE GOLFING NUN.......

Image via WikipediaA nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'Tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yards Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever saw. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother..

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?'

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Streaking on the Golf Course

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Lee Trevino

Lee Trevino recalling his boyhood:


"My family was so poor they couldn't afford to have kids.


So the lady next door had me"



Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked women runs across the fairway and into the woods.

Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear.

One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, " What's going on?"
 
The old guy says, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her."
 
The golfer says, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"
 
The old guy says, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time."

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The Perfect Exercise for Pregnant Women

Image via Wikipedia

Animated Pregnancy

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the ladies how to breath properly and instructing the men to give support and assure their partner at this stage of the pregnancy. 

She said, "Ladies, Remember that exercise is good for you and walking is very beneficial. It strentghens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just make several stops while walking and stay on soft surfaces like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "and gentlemen, don't forget you are in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room got very quiet as the men contemplated this advice.


Then a man at the back of the room raised his hand.

"Yes?" Answered the teacher.

"I was just wondering if its alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

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The Golfer with New Glasses

A foursome of hackers teed off at 10 am every Saturday and all were usually there well before tee time. This Saturday Dave rushed to the tee just in time, as the other three had already teed off. Dave apologized and explained that he had stopped at the Optometrist office on the way to the course to pick up his new bifocals. 
Dave put on his new glasses, teed up his ball and after turning his head this way and that proceeded to hit the best drive of his life. Dave's approach shot to the green was even better than his drive - leaving him a birdie putt which he drilled into the middle of the cup. Dave continued to play the best golf of his life, he broke 80 for the first time and won every bet.

Of course the foursome retired to the clubhouse after the round to celebrate and allow Dave to buy drinks. After the first round his buddies began to press him to explain his new golf skills. 
Dave said "Guys its these new bifocals - when I put them on and looked over the top I saw a little ball and a little club - when I looked through the bottom I saw a big ball and a big club - but if I looked just right I could see a little ball and a big club. So I hit the little ball with the big club all day. When I putted it was even better, I hit the little ball into the big hole with the big putter."
Well, everyone thought this was exceptional and required several more drinks. After a while Dave excused himself to visit the Men's room. However, when he failed to return after a considerable absence one friend went to check on him. He found Dave at the urinal with the front of his trousers soaking wet. 
"What happened?" His friend inquired. 

Image via Wikipedia

A Goat Peeing...

An obviously tipsy Dave replied "I don't know. I was standing here taking a leak and I looked down and saw two - one big one and one little one. Well, I didn't recognize the big one so I put it back in my pants!"

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The Scottish Golfer

An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How
do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm
in such good shape.

I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.

How old was your  Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad's dead?'

The doctor is  amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed
wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my granddad's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80  years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is  he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer.

The  doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Granddad couldnae  go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

Image via Wikipedia

17th Island Green TPC Sawgrass Florida

You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.

If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.

The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.

If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet, when you become famous.

Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.

It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.

When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.

If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.

Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.

When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.

You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.

There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.

If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.

Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.

Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.

You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.

Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?" 

 

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A Few Clean Golf Jokes

Top Ten Things to Say About A 3-Foot Putt...

• I see Clinton has one more intern to entertain.
• You still have to book him, Dano.
• Nice bottle of tequila. Now eat the worm.
• You gonna bury that bone?
• You paid the hooker, now pay the pimp.
• Finish your six-pack, Mr. Daly.
• I can’t hear the fat lady singing.
• Don’t forget to squeeze out the last few drops.
• Still some meat left on that bone.
• Not so fast....you forgot to cuddle.

Scottish Weather

MacDermott and MacDuff having finished a round of golf were sitting in the clubhouse on a raw, blustery day, thawing their beards in front of the fireplace while freezing rain beat against the windows.

The pair were silent for a long time over their whiskeys. 

Finally, MacDermott spoke, "That was quite a round of golf."

"Aye," MacDuff replied. "Same time next Saturday?"

"Aye," said MacDuff, "weather permitting."

National Science Foundation - Sports Study

After a 2 year study ,the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:

The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.

The sport of choice for maintenance level worker is: bowling.

The sport of choice for blue-color worker is: football.

The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.

The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.

The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion:

The higher you rise in the corporate ladder the smaller your balls become.

A Fairy Tale for Men

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...  

“Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!”    

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

Why Men Like Women in Leather

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, He gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

Did you ever wonder why?


It's because she smells like a new golf bag.

Senior Wisdom for Tiger Woods

As we all know, Tiger returned to golf after a 5 month hiatus.


We seniors have put together some words of advice he may want to follow...


When you see a woman....
 
And want her badly.
 
Please consider the following....

No matter how beautiful she is.....

No matter how sexy she is....

No matter how seductive she is...

No matter how huge her  breasts  are...


Damn...

I forgot where I was going with this...

Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot...
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else tell that to TIGER.
#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Golf and What It Means

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right.. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ..neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how
badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously
it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.