Merry Christmas to all of you

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Women Drivers - Watch this Video

Here is an amazing police pursuit video (Length - 55 sec). You've seen stuff like this before but how often does the perpetrator turn out to be a woman?

Drunken Animals in Africa - The Marula Tree

This is a real video (2 min. 49 seconds) from a French documentary about Africa ... You may not understand a word, but the video is funny. There are trees that grow in Africa which, once a year, produce very juicy fruits that contain a large percentage of alcohol. The tree is known as the "Elephant Tree," because elephants
have a fondness for the fruit. Because there is a shortage of water, as soon as the fruits are ripe, animals come there to help protect themselves from the heat. What happens next, you can watch for yourselves. You can easily tell who over indulged!...

PS The tree is the Marula tree. You can buy a great liqueur named "Amarula," which is made with Marula fruit and cream.

A NEWFOUNDLAND LOVE POEM

Of course I loves ya darling

You're a bloody top notch bird

And when I say yer gorgeous

I means every single word

So yer arse is on the big side

I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready

There's somethin there to grab

So yer belly isn't flat no more

I tell ya, I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya

I can get my arms round dere

I'm tellin ya the truth now

I never tells ya lies

I think its very sexy

Dat you've got dimples on yer thighs

I swear on me grannies grave

>From the moment that we met

I thought you was as good as

I was ever gonna get

No matter what you look like

I'll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the hockey's on

And get me a nudder beer.

.....Doesn’t it just bring a tear to the eye?

(And who said Newfoundlanders weren't romantic?)

Irish Alzheimer's

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you do it?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you, Father. Awhile back I misplaced me hat, and I really, really loved that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine, and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat!"

Classic Golf One Liners

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk... Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five... John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf... Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is... Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that... Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death... Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness... William Wordsworth

8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt... Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up... Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one... Bishop Sheen

11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced... Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons... Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top... Pete Dye

14. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them!... Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf... Billy Graham

16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball... Jack Lemmon

17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling... Mark Twain

18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty... Harry Vardon

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them... Jimmy DeMaret

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures and not in still waters... Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle... All Us Hackers

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie... George Deukmejian

Finally...

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe... Lee Trevino