Joke A Day: September 2010

The Quick Witted Clerk

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some ass-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,

"And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy,

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

" Alabama , sir." the boy replied.

Image via Wikipedia

State Seal of Alabama

"Well, why did you leave Alabama ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there."

"Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Alabama "

"Get outta here!" the boy said , "Who'd she play for ?"

A Poor Homeless Man

MUNICH, GERMANY - OCTOBER 13: Dairy farmer Wa...

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

I'd just come out of a SuperMarket with a roasted chicken, french fries, large chips, and a 12 pack of beer.

A poor homeless man sat on the curb and said to me as I passed by, 'I've not eaten for two days'

I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'

The Golfer with New Glasses

A foursome of hackers teed off at 10 am every Saturday and all were usually there well before tee time. This Saturday Dave rushed to the tee just in time, as the other three had already teed off. Dave apologized and explained that he had stopped at the Optometrist office on the way to the course to pick up his new bifocals.
Dave put on his new glasses, teed up his ball and after turning his head this way and that proceeded to hit the best drive of his life. Dave's approach shot to the green was even better than his drive - leaving him a birdie putt which he drilled into the middle of the cup. Dave continued to play the best golf of his life, he broke 80 for the first time and won every bet.

Of course the foursome retired to the clubhouse after the round to celebrate and allow Dave to buy drinks. After the first round his buddies began to press him to explain his new golf skills.
Dave said "Guys its these new bifocals - when I put them on and looked over the top I saw a little ball and a little club - when I looked through the bottom I saw a big ball and a big club - but if I looked just right I could see a little ball and a big club. So I hit the little ball with the big club all day. When I putted it was even better, I hit the little ball into the big hole with the big putter."
Well, everyone thought this was exceptional and required several more drinks. After a while Dave excused himself to visit the Men's room. However, when he failed to return after a considerable absence one friend went to check on him. He found Dave at the urinal with the front of his trousers soaking wet.
"What happened?" His friend inquired.

Image via Wikipedia

A Goat Peeing...

An obviously tipsy Dave replied "I don't know. I was standing here taking a leak and I looked down and saw two - one big one and one little one. Well, I didn't recognize the big one so I put it back in my pants!"

The Scottish Golfer

An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How
do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm
in such good shape.

I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.

How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed
wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my granddad's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Granddad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

Image via Wikipedia

17th Island Green TPC Sawgrass Florida

You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.

If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.

The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.

If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet, when you become famous.

Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.

It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.

When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.

If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.

Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.

When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.

You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.

There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.

If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.

Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.

Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.

You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.

Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"

A Collection of Funny One Liners about Sex

Barbara Bush talks about oral sex...

Billy Crystal on the difference between men and women when it comes to sex...

George Burns on Sex at 90...

Jack Nicholson discusses his mother...

Robert De Niro explains why women like undressing in front of men...

Robin Williams on Anatomy...

Robin Williams on the Latin meaning of divorce...

Rod Stewart on how to avoid marriage...

Rodney Dangerfield on getting a date...

Roseanne Barr on premenstrual affliction...

Sharon Stone on faking orgasms...

Steve Jobs says his girlfriend laughs during sex...

Steve Martin and "The Look"...

Tom Clancy likes what money can buy...

Woody Allen explains why sex is like bridge...

The End

A Few Clean Golf Jokes

Top Ten Things to Say About A 3-Foot Putt...

I see Clinton has one more intern to entertain.
You still have to book him, Dano.
Nice bottle of tequila. Now eat the worm.
You gonna bury that bone?
You paid the hooker, now pay the pimp.
Finish your six-pack, Mr. Daly.
I can’t hear the fat lady singing.
Don’t forget to squeeze out the last few drops.
Still some meat left on that bone.
Not so fast....you forgot to cuddle.

Scottish Weather

MacDermott and MacDuff having finished a round of golf were sitting in the clubhouse on a raw, blustery day, thawing their beards in front of the fireplace while freezing rain beat against the windows.

The pair were silent for a long time over their whiskeys.

Finally, MacDermott spoke, "That was quite a round of golf."

"Aye," MacDuff replied. "Same time next Saturday?"

"Aye," said MacDuff, "weather permitting."

National Science Foundation - Sports Study

After a 2 year study ,the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:

The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.

The sport of choice for maintenance level worker is: bowling.

The sport of choice for blue-color worker is: football.

The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.

The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.

The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion:

The higher you rise in the corporate ladder the smaller your balls become.

Jokes of the Day

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex... Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher said, 'No shit?'

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

Medical Students Diagnosis

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

A Fairy Tale for Men

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

“Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

Judging Others

An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back? "

"Well, " said the camel, " I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face. "

Why Men Like Women in Leather

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, He gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

Did you ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new golf bag.

Bodybuilders Beware

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,

"What a Great chest you have!"

He tells her,

'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,

"What massive calves you have!"

The body builder tells her,

"That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,

"I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

Senior Wisdom for Tiger Woods

As we all know, Tiger returned to golf after a 5 month hiatus.

We seniors have put together some words of advice he may want to follow...

When you see a woman....

And want her badly.

Please consider the following....

No matter how beautiful she is.....

No matter how sexy she is....

No matter how seductive she is...

No matter how huge her breasts are...

Damn...

I forgot where I was going with this...

John Pugh's Amazing Trompe L'oeil (trick-of-the-eye) Murals

3D murals painted on the sides of buildings by Trompe L'oeil (trick-of-the-eye) artist John Pugh

Artist John Pugh

"Art Imitating Life Imitating Art Imitating Life."

This mural at the Cafe Trompe L'oeil, San Jose , California , is entitled "Art Imitating Life Imitating Art Imitating Life." This customer doesn't leave at closing time. And, there is no doorway or stairs to go through or climb... and the statue never needs dusting.

Honolulu, Hawaii.

This mural took two months of studio work to plan and another six months to execute with the help of 11 other artists. Featured are Queen Liliuokalani, the last monarch of the Hawaiian Islands , and Duke Kahanamoku, the ultimate father of surfing. Even the stairs and of course, the sightseers, are part of the mural. Hard to believe this isn't 3-D. Check out the wave at the top. The fake skylight. Wow!

Main Street, Los Gatos , California

Main Street, Los Gatos , California. Even the woman peering into the ruin is part of the mural.

Sarasota County Health Center, Florida

Looks like a nice spot to rest your weary feet on a sidewalk in front of the Sarasota County Health Center, Florida.

Taylor Hall, California State University , Chico , California

Taylor Hall, California State University , Chico , California . The Doric-style columns are actually nothing but paint.

Twenty-nine Palms, California

Twenty-nine Palms, California . Valentine the bull and a patient buzzard are waiting for the artist to awake. No way... yep, way. This is all painting. Check along the base of the wall and you can see the seam between the vertical wall and the paved parking lot. How real can it get. Just outstanding.

"Slowin' Down to Take a Look" in Winslow , Arizona

"Slowin' Down to Take a Look" in Winslow , Arizona . Included, of course, is "a girl, my lord, in a flat bed Ford slowin' down to take a look at me." An Eagles Fan if ever there was One...

Bay in a Bottle, Santa Cruz , California

Bay in a Bottle, Santa Cruz , California . The passerby is part of the mural.

The First Condom

Historical 'Fact'...

In 1872 the Scots invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

However, in 1873, the English refined the idea somewhat by taking the bladder out of the sheep first!

The Worst Date Ever

This is kind of long but worth it:

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... And the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. ' And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Best cowboy pick up line ever...

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it...'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?

'What's so special about it?'

The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'

Christine O'Donnell's Anti-Masturbation Video

A joke to some...

Amazing Simple Home Remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing veggies by having someone else hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid Arguments with females over lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers... simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing pressure on your veins. Don't forget to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of Laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life... WD40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should... use the WD40

If it moves and shouldn't... use the Duct Tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily Thought:

Some people are like slinkies...

They're not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs...

Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot...
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else tell that to TIGER.
#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Golf and What It Means

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right.. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ..neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how
badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously
it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

Most Peculiar Creatures

Our planet is populated with plenty of bizarre and astonishing creatures without the need for resorting to fiction.

Some are rare; some are on the verge of extinction.

Here are 16 of the most peculiar creatures known to mankind.